Thursday, May 15, 2014

Fast Food Lineups

As you might have gleaned from reading some of my bullshit here, I travel a lot; which usually means I eat out a lot.  And that means fast food sometimes; especially at the airport.

Airports mean long lines insofar as getting any type of fast food.

Although unto itself that is annoying, here is what is really fucking annoying - waiting for people to order.

You really only have one purpose standing in a fast food line:  namely, figuring out what the fuck you are going to order when it’s your turn.  The line is long and there is nothing to do but figure out your order.  So just do it.

When you get to the front, I don’t want to see you start rubbing your jaw or scratching your head, saying “Hmmmm, what will I have….” Or asking if the “value meal” drink can be substituted for bottled water. Or any other absurdity.

I really wanted to explain it to the guy in front of me yesterday: Hey, Asshole, what the fuck have you been doing in line the last 10 minutes besides checking your match.com emails or calling your stupid friends to tell them where you are?

You have one job and one job only:  figure out what you want and then order it.

You are not at “Chez Jacques” or “Le Cirque”; you actually order by meal number, so fucking pick one so the rest of us can get on with our lives.


So the next time any nimrod in front of you starts being annoying by not having his order ready when called, do what I did last week:  politely say, “Hey you mind if I step ahead of you – I’m all ready to order.”  It shocks the person, and while they stand there dumbfounded, you blurt out to the cashier "I'll have the Number 4 to go".   Worked perfectly.

Hopefully, it will catch on to people worldwide that we all have shit to do while they are figuring out that life changing decision whether to have chicken tenders, a fish sandwich or that greasy burger.

Boarding the Plane

Memo #42 to Airlines: Boarding and De-Planing

The “pre-boarders” now seem to outnumber the regular boarders on our airlines.  I’m cool with the “families with young children” thing, but today the “young children” are not so young anymore when I watch them board first.  I swear one kid had a five o’clock shadow when boarding with his parents. 

I also swear I saw a guy pre-boarding with a cane windsurfing the day before in front of my house.  For real.

I get the elderly, I get the slow moving people, I get the wheelchairs. I get the kids.  And bravo if you can fake out the gate agents with some mystery ailment. 

But here’s the thing:  when you pre-board because of one of the aforementioned impediments, when we land - STAY ON THE FUCKING PLANE AND SIT DOWN SO WE CAN DE-PLANE FIRST. 

You can’t have it both ways: if you are so “boarding challenged” getting on the plane, then stay the fuck down when we land, because the same rules apply for you getting off.