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Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I Get Even With The TSA

You are all gonna think I made this up, but it actually happened. I know, because I had been plotting it for about 2 years, then finally mustered up the courage to follow through.

I fly about 100,000 miles a year, and spend a lot of time in airports, and airport lines.

We’ve all been there hundreds of times: lining up for countless security checks at airports, waiting to go on our flight somewhere.

We go through the routine of showing our Passport and Boarding Pass 11 times before we even get to out departure gate.  It’s getting ridiculous.

And, of course, annoying.

At LAX (Los Angeles Airport) you first show your Passport and Boarding pass at a security checkpoint at the bottom of an escalator, which leads you to the X-Ray machines lineup at the top.

So, after you pass this first checkpoint, when you get to the top of the escalator you have to show it again.  And the entire time, the TSA agent at the top is watching you go UP the escalator.

I mean, what the fuck can happen to you and your ID between the bottom of an escalator and the top?? I actually had this exchange with a TSA agent at the top of the escalator.



            TSA:    Passport and boarding pass please….

            ME:     I just showed it down there.  (pointing to the bottom of the escalator) And you watched me come all the way up the escalator.  Did you notice anything unusual?

            TSA:    No, but its policy…

            ME:     You really think I could organize a terror cell and full plan of attack in                                    the 14 seconds it took me to come up this escalator???

            TSA:    Sir!  If you are going to be difficult I am going to refuse you security
                         entry.

This, of course, is the ultimate threat by the $10/hour TSA dopes who didn’t make it past 11th grade.  They are power-drunk with knowing they have been granted some authority to fuck up our travel plans.

So as travelers, we have to put up with this. We are forced to accept the wisdom and authority of some who has trouble stringing 3 cohesive sentences together.

But recently, I got even. Big time.

Usually, I travel with a zip-up hoodie.  It’s a good travel jacket: very comfortable. Also, planes tend to be cold, so if it gets warm it is easy to take off.  Plus the hoodie makes a nice pillow to sleep on - especially if I’m hungover.

Every time I go through security, they always ask me to take off the hoodie.  I used to argue that it has a plastic zipper, and there was no need to take it off since I was going through a body scanner, but I just gave up. You can’t argue effectively with these guys.

So, a few months ago when I was flying through LAX again, BEFORE I got to the airport I decide to put on the hoodie, but this time with no shirt underneath.

I zipped it right up to the top and then got to the airport and ready to go through security.  Sure enough, one of the TSA storm troopers stops me before I put my stuff on the X-ray machine.

            TSA#1:            Sir, you have to remove your jacket

            Me:                  Why?

            TSA#1:            All jackets, belts and shoes have to be removed.

            Me:                  You sure I have to take this off?

            TSA #1:           For sure.  Please take it off.

Now here is where the timing was simply fucking beautiful.  I wait a few seconds, while the TSA agent goes over to another line and starts in with the commands to the crowd behind me about “no gels, containers over 5 ounces, etc”

Then I take off the hoodie and put it on the conveyor belt to go through X-Ray.

So there I am, standing bare chested, getting ready to walk through the full size X-Ray machine when another TSA agent comes barreling over in a complete fucking panic.

            TSA #2:           SIR!  SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

            Me:                  (pointing to the TSA agent who told me to take off the hoodie)    
                                    She told me I had to take my jacket off.

            TSA #2:           (looking at TSA #1)  She did?


Now, because of the commotion, about 5 other agents come racing over.

            ME:                 (again pointing to TSA #1) That agent there told me I had to                  
                                    take off my hoodie.  Didn’t you??

            TSA#1:           Well, yes I did, but I didn’t know you weren’t wearing anything
                                    underneath it.

            ME:                Well, you should have asked. You just said I had to take it off.
                                    I didn’t want to but you made me.

Now, I am putting the hoodie back on, to practically a standing ovation from the people behind me in the line.  One guy wants to take a picture.  Almost everyone is smiling and cracking up amid all the confusion - except the foreigners who seem worried by it all......

Then, the TSA agents all huddle around wondering what to do, even though I have put the jacket back on. I'm sure it is all on camera in Washington somewhere.

            TSA#2:            Sir, we have to write this up as a report.

            ME:                  Go to it.  I did exactly what I was told to do. Now, for the record,  I’m going to   write up a report of my own and send it to the Department of Homeland Security, to the attention of the Director.  (shaking my head) Making folks take their clothes off like that….


I get through the body scan machine and start picking my stuff off the conveyor belt after X-Ray.

The TSA people are still meeting about what just happened, and there is confusion everywhere.  The supervisor walks over. I jump in front of her before taking off for my departure gate.

            ME:                 You know, not one person offered me an apology after making me take off my jacket and having to stand there half naked.

            TSA:                Sir, sorry for the misunderstanding there…

            ME:                 There was no misunderstanding; I did exactly what was asked of me…    

            TSA:                Well in the future tell them ahead of time you don’t have
                                     anything on underneath the jacket.

            ME:                 Why do I have to do that?

            TSA:                So we can avoid this situation again…..

I left the area and looked around behind me.  There were going to be meetings and reports for the next 2 weeks over this incident. I mean it was a fucking work of art!

Hopefully, in the future they adopt a “Phil” rule whereby they have to ask people if they have anything on underneath the jacket they are wearing before asking them to remove it.

But, in the meantime, I take daily satisfaction knowing I took the TSA to task, even if only for one day.


Knuckleheads.          

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