Thursday, December 19, 2013

"No Worries"

"No Worries"

Fuck, this saying annoys me to no end.  Why do people insist on using it all the time?  I mean, what the fuck does it even mean?

I go shopping today and buy some groceries, and finish the checkout by paying with a U.S. debit card.  Because I am in Canada it doesn’t work, so I use a Canadian one. Then the checkout girl starts in:

Me:  Geez, I have to remember to use my Canadian card from now on.

Her:  No worries.

Me:  Well, I wasn’t worried - just have to remember this in the future.

Her: (again):  No worries.

Me:  Wait a minute.  Is that you that has “no worries” or me that is to have no worries. Are you actually erasing all my worries?

Dazed, confused, look by her.

Her: Um, I’m just saying “no worries” to you.

Me:  So, I have absolutely NO worries?  You are telling me I am now totally, 100% worry free?  That’s great.  How do you do that?

Her:  Um, I think there is a misunderstanding here.

Me: Yeah, there is.  First, when you say this, it is confusing as to who, exactly, has nothing to worry about.  Second, if by some magical, divine interlude either of us were given the ability to wipe way a person’s worries, it’s highly doubtful we would both be standing here doing what we are doing.

Thoughtful Daze Now.

Her:  I see your point.

Success!   I am slowly succeeding in educating the masses about this idiotic saying. 

I leave the store feeling slightly elated that there is one less moron who will utter these stupid words.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Restaurant Bathrooms

Going out to eat at great restaurants can be fun, but I hate the challenge of the bathrooms. No, not using them – finding out which one to go into.

I’m in a great Sushi joint in New York and after a few beers, nature suddenly calls.

I walk into the bathroom area where there are 2 different doors.   Given the recently popular unisex bathrooms, I think this might be the case here.  However there are 2 different symbols on the doors so I know one has to be the “Mens” and one the “Womans”

But which one is which?

One door has a symbol that looks like a woodchuck fucking a vacuum and the other one looks like a cross between a hummingbird and a spider. What the fuck?

I wait to see if anyone comes out.  No luck. Then I hang around to see if anyone else can figure this shit out.  No luck. Now I really have to go after downing 3 beers.

I slowly open one door to check if there are urinals.  Nope.

I check the other one, and…. success!  All this trauma to take a simple pee break.

So an open Memo to all restaurant owners: 

Put a simple fucking “M” or “W” on the door, or give us the clever play on words if you have an ethnic or themed joint (you know, “Lads/Lasses”, “Kings/Queens”, etc.) so we can quickly go in and get our business done.

Don’t make us sit there wetting our pants while we try to figure out your shitty artwork/symbolism on the bathroom door.