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Monday, September 26, 2011

PARKING

OK.  

MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH.

I finally solved one of life’s big annoyances, by being annoying right back. Confused? 

Read on….

I mean, I cannot believe I didn’t figure this out sooner.

If it sounds like I’m so excited I’m going to pee my pants, it’s because I am.

We’ve all been here before:

We go to the mall and it’s really busy.  We drive around looking for a spot to park.

Finally, we spot a guy or girl walking to their car, see them pull out the keys, and stop in front of their car.  Many of us ask “Hey are you leaving?” to which the person usually answers yes.

So this exact thing happens to me a few weeks ago.  The mall parking lot is ridiculously busy, and finally a guy starts making his way my direction to his car.

ME:     Hey Pal – you pulling out?

HIM:    Yup.  Busy day huh?

ME:     Yeah – can’t find a spot and I’m in a rush….thanks!

So here’s where it gets annoying.

First the guy takes way too long putting his packages in the car.  Making sure everything is exactly placed in the back seat.

Then the guy gets in his car.  Instead of pulling out, he starts doing all sorts of shit in his car; adjusting the mirror (like he needs this), looking at his cell phone, searching around the back seat at his packages once again, and doing God-Knows-What-Else.

Now, its been about 5 minutes and I still don’t see the reverse lights come on indicating he’s gonna pull out.

Fuck this guy. 

He thinks he is gonna torture me by taking an inordinate amount of time pulling out.

So here’s what I do.

I pull RIGHT UP behind him so he can’t pull out without hitting me.  He STILL is not making a move to leave.

Finally, the car goes into reverse and he shoulder checks behind and sees me pulled up close.  He gives me a long stare and does some hand gestures. 

I stay put.

Then he honks his horn and starts waving like a maniac.

I don’t move. 

He then backs up about a foot, thinking I’m also gonna pull back, but nothing.  Dead still.

Finally he gets out of his car.

HIM:                What is you fucking problem?

ME: (with the window rolled down about 2 inches)  Nothing.  No problem.

HIM:                Well, move your fucking car!!

ME:                 In a minute. First I have a few things to do.  (I start fumbling around)

HIM:                What??????

ME:                 Well, you took your sweet time fucking around before deciding to pull out, so now I’m taking MY time backing up.

HIM: (heated)   Are you fucking nuts?

ME:                   Absolutely.

Now he starts jumping up and down, swearing, and threatening to call the cops.

ME:                 Yeah, go ahead and call the cops, pal.  I dare you.

Dude is now seriously getting upset and I am afraid he is going to have a stroke, so I pull back.  I roll down the window.

ME:                 You have 10 seconds to pull out or I’m gonna park it behind you for the rest of the day.

HIM:                Your fucking insane!!!!!

I back up fully as he jumps in the car immediately and drives off. 

For the rest of the day I had such a strange feeling of contentedness, knowing I finally found a way to get even with these assholes that have been annoying me for decades.

It’s doubtful I’m gonna get the Pulitzer Prize for this, but at least I have the satisfaction of knowing how to deal with assholes like that in the future.

NOTE:  I would not suggest trying this with people bigger than you, guys with a lot of Tattoos, or anyone incoherently mumbling to themselves, as they may be insane.

Gang Signs

I have been spending a lot of time on Facebook these days.  I’m not so sure why, but perhaps it’s the way I best keep in touch with my kids all over the North America.

Also, it’s a nice way to keep in touch with their friends as well.

There are always a lot of photos posted, mostly in drunken, compromising poses. Some are actually pretty funny.

But here’s what annoys me to no end:  People flashing gang signs in a lot of these photos.

Every fucking Facebook Page for someone under 25 has photos with them or their friends doing the gang signs.  You know the ones I mean:  palms facing in - 3rd finger over fourth, or 4th finger tucked under 3rd, or the Crips/Bloods “C” done with both hands, and so on….

I mean, really??

Exactly what gang do all you whitebread idiots belong to?

The “living in my parents basement” Gang?  The “I work at a shitty minimum wage job” Gang?    

Child, Please….

Where I live, if you flash those signs (and you don’t really know their meaning) to the wrong person, you may find a fist in your pie-hole or a shank in your stomach.

Leave the gang signs to the real gangbangers who are killers, drug dealers, murderers, and so forth. Let them flash signs to one another.

Just keep your hands to yourself in these photos and listen to your real “Gang Leader” (your parents) and keep your room clean at home, cut the grass on time, and take the trash out on garbage day.

Retards.