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Saturday, January 15, 2011

Fresh Frozen

I am back in Los Angeles enjoying all that is LA.

The weather, people, and of course the food.

Yesterday I decide to get some more fish in my diet, despite the fact I hate eating it.  I decided the Omega 3 acid bullshit might have some validity.

I cruise down to Santa Monica Seafood to buy some fresh fish.

I get there and look at all the slabs laid out in the glass case.

I decide on the salmon despite the fact I cannot stand it.

The server asks me if  he can be of help.

HIM:  Hi, can I help you?

ME:  Yeah.  I wanna get some salmon. Is it fresh?

HIM: Yes.

ME:  Fresh today?  Or yesterday?

HIM:  It's fresh frozen.


ME:  Fresh frozen????

HIM:  Yup.

ME:  So not fresh.

HIM:  Oh, Yeah.  Fresh frozen.

ME: Well, almost everything is fresh frozen. But is it fresh?

HIM:  YES!!  As I said, it's fresh frozen.

ME: Dude. Lemme explain something to you about the whole "fresh frozen" process.  When Green Giant picks corn, it's fresh.  Then they freeze it.  Six months later when I grab it out of the freezer at the supermarket it's also fresh frozen.


CONFUSED LOOK.

HIM:  Yeah, but ours is fresh frozen.

ME:  So.....when was it frozen, and how long ago did you defrost it?

HIM:  Ummmmmm...... I'm not sure.

ME:  So two guys in a boat in Taiwan coulda caught this in October, froze it, shipped it to you guys where it stayed in your freezer, then you thawed it out and tell me it's fresh??

HIM:  Ummmmm..... I'm not sure... Do you want me to ask the manager?

ME:  Yeah.

THE MANAGER COMES OVER.

MANAGER:  Hi.  Whats your question?

ME:  Your guy here told me the salmon is fresh frozen.  So it's not fresh.

MANAGER:  Oh sure it is.  It's fresh frozen.

ME:  Yeah?  Fresh frozen when?  July? September?  Last year?|

MANAGER:  Uhhhhh....Probably not that long ago.

ME:  Probably?  Nice.  Your sign says "fresh" but in fact it's been frozen, then thawed out.  The frozen "Lean Cuisine" salmon casserole shit is also fresh frozen until I microwave it.  Then suddenly it's fresh.

MANAGER: Well that's the way we sell it.

ME (in a loud voice):  OK.  I will have two slabs of the frozen salmon, caught whenever, then thawed out.

PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE NOW LOOKING AT ME AND THE CONFUSED MANAGER

MANAGER: OK.

GUY BEHIND ME: Yeah, and why don't you throw in some day old bread from last week?

We laugh.

Triumph.

So next time your fish store pulls this bullshit with you, ask them to explain to you why "fresh frozen"  is different from fresh.

Dicks.

Merry Fucking Christmas

Christmas annoys me.

Well, I guess not the day Christmas - just the whole particulars of Christmas.

For example, the whole fake bullshit greeting "Merry Christmas" you get from almost everyone you run into from about December 1 to 25th makes no sense.

Every jack-wagon I run into says "Merry Christmas" to me for about 3 weeks before the actual day.

Now this really annoys me.

Last time I checked, Christmas is December 25th, right?

So why do people insist on the greeting "Merry Christmas" every day before this date?

I don't get it.

Why do people use this idiotic greeting in advance of actual Christmas Day?

Why the moronic "Merry Christmas" greeting DAYS or WEEKS in advance of actual Christmas Day?

Do we say "Happy Birthday" to a person for a few days or weeks before the actual day of somebody's birthday?

Nope.  We wait for the actual day.

So keep the greeting "Merry Christmas" for the date of December 25th and stop jumping the fucking gun.