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Saturday, November 19, 2011

Fans in Jerseys

The word "Fan" is short for "Fanatic" when used in the context of cheering for any event.

I like being a fan, as most of you do too.

But sometimes it goes a little too far.

What annoys me are the people wearing game Jerseys of their team to sporting events, or even when they are just going out and not to a game..

I mean, c'mon...

Last week I see a guy wearing an L.A. Kings jersey, for Anze Kopitar.

I yell out to him, "Hey, nice game last night" He gives me a stunned, confused look.

I keep going:

ME:   Great game last night

HIM:  Oh... no... I don't play for the team, I'm just wearing the jersey.

EXACTLY! Take it off douchebag.


Even worse is going over to a friend's place and having to look at the idiot's wearing jerseys while we are watching a game on TV.

As my friend Whitney says, "Do I dress up as a dead hooker when I'm at home watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit???"

So leave the fucking player Jersey's off when your going out with your chick or watching sporting events on television.  Let the real players wear them so I don't have to watch some overweight bald guy with an XXXXL jersey strut around like he's going into the game soon.

Dopes.

Monday, September 26, 2011

PARKING

OK.  

MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH.

I finally solved one of life’s big annoyances, by being annoying right back. Confused? 

Read on….

I mean, I cannot believe I didn’t figure this out sooner.

If it sounds like I’m so excited I’m going to pee my pants, it’s because I am.

We’ve all been here before:

We go to the mall and it’s really busy.  We drive around looking for a spot to park.

Finally, we spot a guy or girl walking to their car, see them pull out the keys, and stop in front of their car.  Many of us ask “Hey are you leaving?” to which the person usually answers yes.

So this exact thing happens to me a few weeks ago.  The mall parking lot is ridiculously busy, and finally a guy starts making his way my direction to his car.

ME:     Hey Pal – you pulling out?

HIM:    Yup.  Busy day huh?

ME:     Yeah – can’t find a spot and I’m in a rush….thanks!

So here’s where it gets annoying.

First the guy takes way too long putting his packages in the car.  Making sure everything is exactly placed in the back seat.

Then the guy gets in his car.  Instead of pulling out, he starts doing all sorts of shit in his car; adjusting the mirror (like he needs this), looking at his cell phone, searching around the back seat at his packages once again, and doing God-Knows-What-Else.

Now, its been about 5 minutes and I still don’t see the reverse lights come on indicating he’s gonna pull out.

Fuck this guy. 

He thinks he is gonna torture me by taking an inordinate amount of time pulling out.

So here’s what I do.

I pull RIGHT UP behind him so he can’t pull out without hitting me.  He STILL is not making a move to leave.

Finally, the car goes into reverse and he shoulder checks behind and sees me pulled up close.  He gives me a long stare and does some hand gestures. 

I stay put.

Then he honks his horn and starts waving like a maniac.

I don’t move. 

He then backs up about a foot, thinking I’m also gonna pull back, but nothing.  Dead still.

Finally he gets out of his car.

HIM:                What is you fucking problem?

ME: (with the window rolled down about 2 inches)  Nothing.  No problem.

HIM:                Well, move your fucking car!!

ME:                 In a minute. First I have a few things to do.  (I start fumbling around)

HIM:                What??????

ME:                 Well, you took your sweet time fucking around before deciding to pull out, so now I’m taking MY time backing up.

HIM: (heated)   Are you fucking nuts?

ME:                   Absolutely.

Now he starts jumping up and down, swearing, and threatening to call the cops.

ME:                 Yeah, go ahead and call the cops, pal.  I dare you.

Dude is now seriously getting upset and I am afraid he is going to have a stroke, so I pull back.  I roll down the window.

ME:                 You have 10 seconds to pull out or I’m gonna park it behind you for the rest of the day.

HIM:                Your fucking insane!!!!!

I back up fully as he jumps in the car immediately and drives off. 

For the rest of the day I had such a strange feeling of contentedness, knowing I finally found a way to get even with these assholes that have been annoying me for decades.

It’s doubtful I’m gonna get the Pulitzer Prize for this, but at least I have the satisfaction of knowing how to deal with assholes like that in the future.

NOTE:  I would not suggest trying this with people bigger than you, guys with a lot of Tattoos, or anyone incoherently mumbling to themselves, as they may be insane.

Gang Signs

I have been spending a lot of time on Facebook these days.  I’m not so sure why, but perhaps it’s the way I best keep in touch with my kids all over the North America.

Also, it’s a nice way to keep in touch with their friends as well.

There are always a lot of photos posted, mostly in drunken, compromising poses. Some are actually pretty funny.

But here’s what annoys me to no end:  People flashing gang signs in a lot of these photos.

Every fucking Facebook Page for someone under 25 has photos with them or their friends doing the gang signs.  You know the ones I mean:  palms facing in - 3rd finger over fourth, or 4th finger tucked under 3rd, or the Crips/Bloods “C” done with both hands, and so on….

I mean, really??

Exactly what gang do all you whitebread idiots belong to?

The “living in my parents basement” Gang?  The “I work at a shitty minimum wage job” Gang?    

Child, Please….

Where I live, if you flash those signs (and you don’t really know their meaning) to the wrong person, you may find a fist in your pie-hole or a shank in your stomach.

Leave the gang signs to the real gangbangers who are killers, drug dealers, murderers, and so forth. Let them flash signs to one another.

Just keep your hands to yourself in these photos and listen to your real “Gang Leader” (your parents) and keep your room clean at home, cut the grass on time, and take the trash out on garbage day.

Retards.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Confusing Fast Food

Ordering food can be a challenge when morons are involved; I mean when it's them taking the order.

What annoys me is that servers and fast food clerks CANNOT think outside the relentless franchise training they get.

Case in point:

Carls Jr. is one of my favorite fast food joints.  I go in on the weekend and order.

ME:  I will have a Bacon Western Cheeseburger.  Also, a large side of French Fries.  And a medium Iced Tea.

HER:  So you want a combo?

ME:  No...the Cheeseburger.  Side of large fries.  Medium Iced Tea.

HER:  Well you can do a combo.  That's a combo.

ME:  I don't want a combo.  I want just what I ordered.

HER:  But sir, you can get the sandwich, medium fries and the medium drink in a combo and save $0.79

ME:  Well, first I don't want medium fries, I want large.  Medium fries are in the combo you are trying to sell me.

HER:  Well, you can supersize it and it will still be cheaper.

THE LINE IS NOW GETTING LONGER.

ME:  Look, are you gonna serve me this or not.

HER:  Um...sure...I guess.

The Manager comes over when sees there is confusion.

MANAGER (to Clerk):  What is the trouble with the order?

HER:  Well he doesn't want a combo, but he wants everything that is IN a combo, but wants to order it separately.

MANAGER:  Sir, it's .79 cheaper to order a combo.

ME:  Well, as I explained, I don't want a combo like the one you have here - it has medium fries and I want large.  I love the fries here.

MANAGER (confused):  Well you can "Big Size" it.

ME:  Yeah, but I don't want a large drink with that "Big Size"combo. I want a medium drink.  The "Big Size" has a large drink.

BOTH IF THEM NOW CLEARLY CONFUSED.  THE MANAGER PUSHES ABOUT 37 BUTTONS ON THE REGISTER AND SHAKES HER HEAD.

MANAGER:  I never heard that one before.

ME:  Well, I like what I like...

What happened to the good days when you just ordered what you wanted, and not some numbered "meal deal"?

Idiots.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Fresh Frozen

I am back in Los Angeles enjoying all that is LA.

The weather, people, and of course the food.

Yesterday I decide to get some more fish in my diet, despite the fact I hate eating it.  I decided the Omega 3 acid bullshit might have some validity.

I cruise down to Santa Monica Seafood to buy some fresh fish.

I get there and look at all the slabs laid out in the glass case.

I decide on the salmon despite the fact I cannot stand it.

The server asks me if  he can be of help.

HIM:  Hi, can I help you?

ME:  Yeah.  I wanna get some salmon. Is it fresh?

HIM: Yes.

ME:  Fresh today?  Or yesterday?

HIM:  It's fresh frozen.


ME:  Fresh frozen????

HIM:  Yup.

ME:  So not fresh.

HIM:  Oh, Yeah.  Fresh frozen.

ME: Well, almost everything is fresh frozen. But is it fresh?

HIM:  YES!!  As I said, it's fresh frozen.

ME: Dude. Lemme explain something to you about the whole "fresh frozen" process.  When Green Giant picks corn, it's fresh.  Then they freeze it.  Six months later when I grab it out of the freezer at the supermarket it's also fresh frozen.


CONFUSED LOOK.

HIM:  Yeah, but ours is fresh frozen.

ME:  So.....when was it frozen, and how long ago did you defrost it?

HIM:  Ummmmmm...... I'm not sure.

ME:  So two guys in a boat in Taiwan coulda caught this in October, froze it, shipped it to you guys where it stayed in your freezer, then you thawed it out and tell me it's fresh??

HIM:  Ummmmm..... I'm not sure... Do you want me to ask the manager?

ME:  Yeah.

THE MANAGER COMES OVER.

MANAGER:  Hi.  Whats your question?

ME:  Your guy here told me the salmon is fresh frozen.  So it's not fresh.

MANAGER:  Oh sure it is.  It's fresh frozen.

ME:  Yeah?  Fresh frozen when?  July? September?  Last year?|

MANAGER:  Uhhhhh....Probably not that long ago.

ME:  Probably?  Nice.  Your sign says "fresh" but in fact it's been frozen, then thawed out.  The frozen "Lean Cuisine" salmon casserole shit is also fresh frozen until I microwave it.  Then suddenly it's fresh.

MANAGER: Well that's the way we sell it.

ME (in a loud voice):  OK.  I will have two slabs of the frozen salmon, caught whenever, then thawed out.

PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE NOW LOOKING AT ME AND THE CONFUSED MANAGER

MANAGER: OK.

GUY BEHIND ME: Yeah, and why don't you throw in some day old bread from last week?

We laugh.

Triumph.

So next time your fish store pulls this bullshit with you, ask them to explain to you why "fresh frozen"  is different from fresh.

Dicks.

Merry Fucking Christmas

Christmas annoys me.

Well, I guess not the day Christmas - just the whole particulars of Christmas.

For example, the whole fake bullshit greeting "Merry Christmas" you get from almost everyone you run into from about December 1 to 25th makes no sense.

Every jack-wagon I run into says "Merry Christmas" to me for about 3 weeks before the actual day.

Now this really annoys me.

Last time I checked, Christmas is December 25th, right?

So why do people insist on the greeting "Merry Christmas" every day before this date?

I don't get it.

Why do people use this idiotic greeting in advance of actual Christmas Day?

Why the moronic "Merry Christmas" greeting DAYS or WEEKS in advance of actual Christmas Day?

Do we say "Happy Birthday" to a person for a few days or weeks before the actual day of somebody's birthday?

Nope.  We wait for the actual day.

So keep the greeting "Merry Christmas" for the date of December 25th and stop jumping the fucking gun.